So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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