youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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