You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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