Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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