the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
