i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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