that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
