She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize