Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize