He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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