i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
