I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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