Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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