i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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