YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
