like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
