Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
