college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
