Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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