I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
