Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
is wine microwaveable?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
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