I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
