i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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