I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
