I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i love accidental penises.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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