Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
