So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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