dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
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