i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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