Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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