Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize