porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
