Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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