I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
