I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
