Moan for me like Helen Keller
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
