well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
