i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
