he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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