I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
