Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize