True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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