Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
