My Higher Power is John Stamos
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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