stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
