Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Pooping to opera.
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