cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
