A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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