Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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