dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
