my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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