My nipple is on Facebook.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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