So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
