perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
