I feel like I'm in dance class right now
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize